Fascination with Flatulence

farting on girlfriendWhat exactly is the fascination with farting? When you stop to consider this for a moment, you’ll realize that flatulence receives a lot of attention and is an ongoing source of entertainment.  For instance, the kids are playing in the bedroom, when suddenly you hear “Pee Yew! You stink!” followed by a burst of giggles. This is way funnier than anything on television.

And then there’s my daughter, a sweet little girl, just the right mix of tomboy and little lady.  She can play football with the boys just as easily as she can get dressed up for a tea party with the girls. She loves to paint her toenails and have her hair curled.  She is also queen of the on-demand farts, and she is always willing to share, especially if her mom is on hand.  To top it off, my little darling usually produces quite the aroma as a bonus, often causing me to wonder “What did that child eat today?” It’s no wonder the boys adore her, for we all know that ripping a choice one every now and then is a major male bonding activity, particularly, it seems, with soldiers.  I say this with fondness, even with my nose plugged, for my daughter’s dad is a soldier.  He seems to have honed his air biscuit skills in the military, and is quite the expert.  His favorite method of delivery is the the Dutch Oven, which is one thing I willingly surrendered the rights to during the divorce.  I can honestly say that my daughter gets her endearing talent  from him.

But it’s not just farting itself that cracks people up.  There is the bonus activity, albeit a rather dangerous one, of lighting farts. I have to confess that I tested this out years ago during my college days, and yes, they really do light. All goes well as long as you don’t suck the flame back in. DISCLAIMER: Lighting farts should only be performed by a trained professional. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!

fart boysPublic farts seem to be the most entertaining, and I have a special knack for sitting in the pew next to an individual who apparently is unaware that they periodically drop little stink bombs, much to the delight of children sitting near by and to the dismay of their parents. And have you ever been in a classroom when someone lets one loose? If you haven’t yet, then just make a note that when it happens, the whole class will dissolve into fits of laughter, and the producer will most likely be very pleased.  You may as well take a breather (get it?) for a moment and let them get it out of their systems (another brilliant choice of works) before trying to regain control and continue with the lesson. Leslie Nielsen's Grave

Passing gas is quite a topic online, as well.  I located a fart thesaurus, a system for naming farts, and even a website called The Daily Fart. Youtube has a whole library of videos having to do with farts, and there is quite a selection of articles and blog posts on Google. One in particular caught my eye, and it was written in honor of Father’s Day, The Gift of Gas: Five Surprising Things About Farts for Father’s Day.  Seriously.  And then there is the post on Nickelodeon’s Parents Connect  Top Funny Things YOUR Kids Say About Farts and Poop (which is a topic I won’t touch with a ten-foot pole.  You have to draw the line somewhere.) There are even fart apps available through iTunes and Google Play (aren’t you pleased as punch) , such as the Atomic Fart , BaconFarts Free–Fart Sounds, and Fart!!, touted by iTunes as the “BEST AND MOST COMPLETE FART SIMULATOR FOR IPHONE with Random Farts, Leg Fart Mode, Fart Bomb Countdown, and a farts soundboard!” That’s pride, ladies and gentlemen. For those who are not computer savvy, there is always the Whoopie Cushion, the Fart Blaster

fart walter the farting dogand Walter, the Farting Dog. If you want to ramp it up a bit, you have your choice of farting gadgets, ranging from the Fart Detector to the Fart Machine.

No conversation about flatulence would be complete, however, without a brief discussion of the pseudo-fart. This is the unexpected noise emitted from non-fart-producing items, such as squeeze ketchup bottles.  Beware, also, of folding chairs  that, when scrooched over just a bit on a bare floor, produce THE sound, and the guest may just field the blame.  If that weren’t enough, the human race is intent on producing pseudo-farts au naturel, using the mouth and the arm pits as instruments.  Personally, I believe that body parts should refrain from imitating other body parts.

Bottom line, if you ever think that kids of all ages cannot entertain themselves without video games, television or cell phones, think again.

In case you haven’t had enough, I’ve put together a rather entertaining slide show of flatulence in the animal kingdom for your viewing pleasure.  Enjoy!

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